psyche ward

Madly Tired

2012-02-25T00:16:00.005+11:00

What the fuck am I even doing.

I'll stop. That's a promise.

A promise to myself.

I can't keep doing this.

So tired.

Promise is a Promise

2012-02-14T02:27:00.003+11:00

Is it logically sound to say that someone is dead to you, and yet at the same time, you feel anger because of them?

They're not at fault, no, that's not the reason you're angry, but they are the cause of your anger.

But isn't saying someone's dead to you meant to be that you don't acknowledge their existence anymore?

This all of course, is referring to my current thought stream, so replace all those "you"s with I/me.

I'm angry, because this time, there's really no one to be angry for me. And I want to be angry for myself for once.

The fact of the problem is that no one knows, because I haven't told anyone. And it's not like I'm blaming them anyway, am I?

Well, it doesn't matter. No one reads this.

I don't know. I just want to feel something, and anger seems the appropriate emotion to feel in my current predicament.

This girl, there's something about her that attracts me to her, and yet, I see no chance whatsoever. Not that I've never had a chance to start with, more like I blew a few of them, and now there's no break in the defence of fate to create a chance.

I don't know what I felt for this girl. There was a tugging at my heart, and I had no idea what emotion my body is trying to convey to me.

So now I just feel irritated. And to break off this mild attraction, I need to feel a stronger emotion, and rage is quite an appropriate emotion to feel.

So, you are dead to me.

Ambushed

2012-02-03T15:37:00.001+11:00

I have this horrible feeling sneaking up on me from my gut and it's like it will eat me up very soon.

Is it jealousy?!

Fuck.

Bookmarked; I keep coming back

2012-01-22T03:42:00.001+11:00

I start typing at 3:33AM.

Where do I start....? A whole jumble of thoughts that I just really want to get down on this blog.

Well, I figured I absolutely suck at consoling people.

And I'm not subtle. At all.

I think that's really it. I find it really hard at the moment to articulate my thoughts. I just felt that I needed to blog, for the sake of blogging.

Which is sad.

I've seriously already spent 2 minutes on just a few words. I suck.

I could try to iterate some things on my mind.

Right now, though, I just want to find someone whom I can confide in. Someone to dump all my crap onto. Maybe even someone to exchange sorrows with. But most of my friends need me to listen to them, and that's what I'm there for; to listen to their stories. So I'm hoping to find someone willing to listen to all the shit that's running through my head, or else some poor stranger in a bar will have to deal with my half drunk ramblings after which I will sit in the corner and cry.

Preferably someone whom I can speak to in person.

In desperate need of affection.

I stop typing at 3:42AM.

You shall not pass

2011-09-29T02:59:00.001+10:00

... the threshold of friendship with any girl and be in a relationship.

That's the kind of vibe that I'm getting very heavily from my life right now.

I really hate it when I watch a movie, and be reminded how lonely I actually am, in the long run.

I do miss being head over heels for a girl, and that the thought of being with her will solve all problems, but I do know that's not going to happen, and so instead, I look for excuses to avoid my problems.

Chin up, son.

Pocketful

2011-09-12T01:47:00.001+10:00

Hmm....

Over the past week, I've heard of three different relationships with problems. I have no idea what that bodes for me, but I guess I'll take whatever is thrown at me.

I don't understand how I come to become the person to hear all of this... is it because I listen?

In all honesty, I have no experience in this field; never been in that situation, never had a girlfriend, so it seems like the advice I give is a bit redundant. It's not like I'm the best person to be asking when it comes to such things, but somehow or other, I'm used to having to deal with it, and that just seems to attract people to pour their hearts out to me.

I don't know...

On another note, I feel completely lost in life. At the moment, I feel as if my life is not headed anywhere fast. I'm failing to find motivation to do any of my uni assignments, and in turn, I am failing more than half my subjects. I don't want to have to repeat, but at the same time, I honestly cannot bring myself to do those assignments. I usually get to the point where it is way overdue before I even think about not doing the assignment at all, but right now, from the get go, I can't be fucked doing those assignments. Perhaps I should see a psychologist about it, but you see, my theory of myself is that I will never be free of a psychologist if I go see one, so it's better that I don't and just take my insanity with good stride.

I do feel lost. Perhaps this is my cry for help, but what I really need is probably professional help, and I'd never agree to that; I'm too lazy and proud.

Quiet

2011-08-09T23:52:00.002+10:00

So... I have no way of knowing if anyone still reads this.

It appears not. But it's alright, I guess.

Leave me a comment if you still manage to find this blog!

... [Not a single fuck was given]

What I don't understand is why there's always this constant "Ooh, who does s/he like? Will it happen? Won't it happen? What's going to actually happen?" and especially the one that my friends apply to me "Ooh Cheng, who do you like now?", because apparently, 100% of the time, I like someone, or am interested in someone.

Yeah, I'm interested, but not in making them my girlfriend. For fuck's sake, I may be attracted to someone, but aren't we all attracted to someone else? How else do we make friends? Just because it's a dinner that I would look forward to, it does not necessarily mean I am romantically invested in the person I am having dinner with.

If you can all make normal friends with people of the opposite sex, why the fuck aren't I allowed to do the same, and not draw attention to myself?

And honestly, my poems are not reflections of my current status of mind. Fucking read them as light entertainment, nothing more. I try to tell a story in poetry form, and quite often it sucks. Fucking deal with it. The topic is all that it is; just a topic, not a fucking manifestation of my desires.

I ain't even angry, just annoyed.

But of course, I lie. No one really takes me seriously any more, so it makes not a single difference.

Nor does anyone read this any more, so it makes no fucking difference.

Blindspot

2011-07-30T01:19:00.003+10:00

One year ago, I would have been surprised if you were to be on my very short, almost non-existant list of people whom I don't want to meet or bump into. Yesterday, you shot to the top of that still very short, almost non-existant list.

Why?

Because even though you didn't recognise me (pretty sure you just glanced past me anyway, so really not your fault) I wasn't sad about this. In fact, I was quite glad.

I was glad, because I had no idea how to react if you had recognised me. I still have no idea how I would/should react if we cross paths soon.

How should I act? Is it appropriate to hug you? Perhaps I should go? What should I say? Blah. Blah. Blah.

Oh, I also didn't bother calling you out either, because of the aforementioned excuse.

So... yeah. I'm still the cold bastard I wish to be.

In fact, I even try to avoid seeing you at all costs.

Are you seriously the only bane in my life right now?

How have I been reduced to this?

I hope that time erases my memories of you, they're all that are holding me back.

Repeat

2011-07-11T02:43:00.001+10:00

I am here for you. Always have been, always will be.

That is all.

Hopeless

2011-05-10T12:41:00.002+10:00

Well, I should be at uni right now, but I decided to just skip today.

And that's not even the main topic at hand.

So, I've not played any music, or sung anything for two weeks now, and I have to truthfully say that I don't particularly miss it.

It's a little disappointing, actually. This hasn't been as much of an epiphany as I'd hoped it to be. I don't know.

Actually, the more I think about it, the more I'm itching to go downstairs right now to play something.

I guess I just hadn't reached that threshold yet of really needing to create some noise. I still haven't yet, I'm sure.

Rather what?

2011-05-02T02:09:00.002+10:00

Okay, so it's been a while that I've made a proper post... I have slowed down a lot on blogging this year, compared to past year...

Also discounting the last couple of post...

So anyway. Nothing much to say really. Just that I actually need to be up in 5 hours or so to go to uni... And I have 2 fucking assignments due on Thursday..

Guess I'm just running cold now. Got nothin' left.

Never After

2011-04-06T13:35:00.002+10:00

So, my doubts are starting to fade away now.

Was kind of in a fucking downer last night, but yeah, getting my iron resolve back now.

Fuck you, sickness.

Actually, I still feel sickly, but seriously don't know what it is... I should really get it checked out by the doctor.

Meh.

Ignorance is Bliss

2011-04-04T16:00:00.002+10:00

It's been a while since I've blogged here.

I'm sorry for neglecting you, Blogspot, but Tumblr was more than enough of a supplement for my daily needs and thoughts that weren't dark.

But yes, I return to you now, because this is hopefully less known, or less read. Well you know how it is, if it's on the internet, it's bound to be known by someone else. However, I probably have less readers here than on Tumblr, which is why I'm blogging this post here.

Just a jumble of thoughts, really. Good ones, bad ones, irrelevant ones. Mainly bad ones, on my part. Not really. I don't generally have bad thoughts, well, none that I'd admit and blog about openly.

For a while there, I was strong enough to not need to blog about things on my mind, but it's slowly starting to cave in, and hopefully in a ditch of effort to prevent that, I'm blogging about it. Of course, it doesn't actually help, but at least when I read back on this in the future, I'll remember how I developed, how I aged, how I matured.

So anyway.

I'm not very good with articulating all that's on my mind, but just bear with me. I'll try my hardest to explain it, I promise.

To be frank, it's probably just one thing, and it extends into all sorts of directions, but mainly just this one thing that's on my mind that's weighing me down.

Oh, and before I forget anymore, I'm actually doing this blog whilst at uni. Because well, today's just that kind of day where I feel like I need to do this before I get home, or else all my thoughts will just vanish.

Well here goes.

------------------------------

I'm lost.

You don't generally hear me whining about relationships. Maybe you do, I don't know, I'm not able to see myself through others' eyes and ears lately... or ever.

Well, anyway. The point is that maybe you haven't heard me talk about this aspect of my life a lot, because I've always had a goal. The goal was pretty clear cut, but the biggest problem was that I've never had the courage to act on it, and if you're one of my closest friends, you know how much I was brought down during those few years.

Each of you had a different approach to trying to raise my spirits, but in reality, I was kind of happy anyway. That's how it is when you like someone, no? You're happy with them, you're happy thinking about them; they bring a smile to your face, regardless of what people tell you what they think of this person. Thank you people for trying to help me, I'm grateful.

This is... less of a "I need help" but more of a "I don't want to know, and I don't care, I'm happy this way". Hence the title.

So, for the past six months, I've had no doubt about the relationship aspect of my life. I wasn't interested in anyone and no one was interested in me, I'm pretty sure. Everything was smooth, I was focussing on my music, trying my hardest to not procrastinate, and just in general making new friends at uni.

Then comes along my imagination, which likes to ruin certain things in my life, or make me think things that are totally irrelevant to my happines. But I've managed to ignore him, so far. Of course he's constantly in my ear, and in my mind, but he provokes no feelings, most of the time.

So then last week I received a bit of news. I hear Simon's going out with someone! I won't name who it is, because really, you all know who it is. Anyway, I'm happy for him. I don't blame him for anything, no. That's not the reason I named him in this blog.

The reason I named him is because this act made me think. And when I think, it's mostly dangerous to my mental and emotional health. Of course, I'll put on a happy face, chin up, and tell everyone I'm fine. That's who I am; there's no changing that. I'm a man, I'm allowed to follow the stereotype of being stoic. And it's not like I have a reason to break down either, because I'm not the type to open up easily, so no one would really be able to understand why I'd be balled up on the floor, a nervous wreck.

My thoughts? Well, out of the group of twelve guys in my high school group, that makes four of us who've never had a girlfriend. This small little fact makes me a bit sad. There must be something we're doing wrong, right? Well, this doesn't/didn't really faze me. I'm only human after all.

No. What's really unbelievable to me is that generally when I ask people who havne't known me for long to think about it, they don't believe that I've never had a girlfriend. Now, that's just fucking great. How is it that these people can probably see these great things and great flaws in my personality to think that I've had a girlfriend, yet no girl can see these same things and like me for it?

So far, I've thought "Fuck them. I'm awesome in my own right, I can survive." And just generally every day, chin up, head up; walking tall and proud. "Strong and True" as my uncle says.

I'm beginning to think this post is going no where.

I swear I've been at this for almost an hour now. And I need to get to my tutorial soon, so I'll try to sum this up.

I lie to myself. I say I don't care, and I think I don't care, and really, I don't care. This makes me happy. I lie to myself to make sure I stay happy.

But really, I do care. It just makes no sense that I would not care. It just provokes no strong negative feelings.

And so I'm lost. I don't know what I want in the relationship part of my life anymore.

I don't know. Maybe it's because I've been sick for the last few days, and it's fucking around with my head, but yeah. I don't even know what I'm sick with... I think it's a virus... But seriously, I can just feel something trying to take over my body from the inside, so yeah, I'm sick.

I'll see if I want to edit or add anything else on this post later. Probably not, because I can't seem to think of anything else to put down, or how to express other stuff. So this is the end of the post, right before I head off to class.

Slippery Dip

2010-12-16T23:23:00.002+11:00

Sigh...

Second accident within one year, am I annoyed or what?

Anyway, dear readers, I'm fine, so that's the main point.

My car...:

His car...:

Sigh...

Lining

2010-12-05T23:45:00.002+11:00

Oh man... just checked my uni results.. and I only managed to pass 3 of my subjects.

=(

Cries.

I just don't understand how the one subject I put the least effort into (Astronomy) is the one I came with the highest result...

And I have to do Maths subjects for both semesters again next year...

Sigh.

Oh well. Have to try harder next year.

Now to drown myself with hours of gaming and sleep... and work.

Appetizer

2010-12-02T00:24:00.003+11:00

Just a jumble of thoughts I want to get down, which has only been in my mind for the past... 4 hours or so...

Okay, so this all really just popped up when I was driving home from work...

I kind of felt heart sick again, you know, when you start to yearn for a relationship, but that's over with already... What was really important is this next part. I had an epiphany. It's not smart to have epiphanies whilst driving, because it can inhibit your concentration on the road; so I'm warning people reading this not to do it if it can be avoided. I'm a skilled driver, so I'll survive. =P

Getting back to the point; the epiphany.

What I realised was that in the midst of all the angst that I've felt for the past year, all that yearning for a relationship and shit, I was never the one to feel the most pain. The saying "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." is WRONG. In saying so, it is better to have never loved at all, because we, the "never-loved" have never experienced what it feels like to be in a relationship, and so it does not hurt us as much as those that have loved. We want to have a relationship, always complaining about being single and all that crap, and yet, we never think of it from those who have loved and lost. They have felt what it means to be in a relationship, they've felt the joy and passion of it all, and when they lose it all, their whole world comes crashing down, moreso that we who have never loved. And so they must yearn more for a relationship than we do, and in turn, it hurts them more than it does us.

We, as humans, never contemplate what it means to be someone who has lost something that they have gained, instead, we fixate on trying to gain something which we may one day may lose, which we have not already lost.

Forgive my ignorance, but there probably will be more epiphanies as such to come in the future.

Wasting Away

2010-11-12T05:18:00.002+11:00

A few problems with leaving studying to the last minute (for me, at least):

-> Procrastination, to the max, even now, as I type this up, I should be studying for my psychology exam in 8 hours time.
-> No notes.
-> No time to make notes.
-> Lack of sleep.
-> Having no real idea of how I should go about studying the content other than read over the slides, seeing as I don't have a huge amount of time to plan to study.
-> Staring at the computer screen for hours on end, making eyes hurt and getting headaches, to no positive end.

Yes, I fail at studying, and I keep telling myself everytime, the next time I will do it properly, but to no avail.

zZzZzZzZzZzZ

Back to studying.

Stupid

2010-11-04T20:31:00.002+11:00

And there goes another day spent procrastinating and not studying... and again, this is another tool for me in my procrastination.

For those who know what I mean, I'm finally starting on GPL.

Once I finish this, I'm reading through Stats and then doing Int Calc.

Purgatory on Jupiter

2010-11-03T21:56:00.001+11:00

Okay, being completely honest here.

I've just wasted two whole days at home NOT studying, when I should have been.

Therefore, I've just fucked myself over for the exams.

Commendation

2010-10-26T05:46:00.002+11:00

It's nearly 6 in the morning, and I need to catch a bus soon, so I'll keep it short-ish, seeing as I don't have in mind the right words to blog about this particular occurrence.

Over the weekend I received some... otherwise saddening news. Well, it wasn't too sad for me, but for the one who told me, it was quite an emotional experience for her. And when I'd finished listening to her, I thought "Wow. How does she get to through so much shit? It's not even fair for her to cop all this."

And it's really been a while since someone's opened their heart out to me like that, so I'm grateful that she considers me as enough of a close friend to tell me that, because it would have been hard for her to do so.

And so this is just an appreciation blog for above-mentioned person. No names, because she knows who she is. After hearing all that, my love and respect for her has pretty much tripled, because through all the crap she's been through, she's still smiling, and not giving up, she's still living life to the fullest.

I also just want to say that she will someday get everything good she deserves, and more, because that's how life should work, and mostly does. And I'm always here if she needs me, even just for a chat.

Possession

2010-10-17T01:21:00.002+11:00

Thanks Bas, but I should be fine... I got your back too.

----------------------------------------

All I ever wanted was for you to be mine, and I yours.

Dry

2010-10-14T08:30:00.001+11:00

I have that awful feeling that everything inside of me, and a majority of things around is about to crumble and fall apart... again. And it's getting progressively worse. Don't bother trying to save me. Let me have this one.

Death

2010-10-02T13:09:00.003+10:00

How conceited can you fucking get?

Maybe the reason I don't want to have a haircut is because I want a sense of fucking individuality, but no, apparently long hair isn't allowed.

Well fuck you.

Maybe this is sleep deprivation talking, but I've never really wanted to do the things you wanted me to do. This? This is all a fucking act.

Wait until I'm out of here, then I'll show you I can rule my own fucking world, without having to conform to your shit.

Response

2010-09-16T22:56:00.001+10:00

It's worse when I have nothing to do.

I just think of useless nonsense.

Like what this post is like.

That was badly grammatised/ put together.

Bite me.

Someone bring some entertainment and joy back into my life.

Stimuli

2010-09-14T21:55:00.002+10:00

Well, thing's have gotten... quite normal.

=(

I don't like normal, it's boring...

And what's worse, is that I'm skipping classes now. Stupid bad influences... -__-

Of course, it is my choice, and well... meh. I like blaming others once in a while. xD

And I think it's time to get my performing arts back on track...

Primer

2010-09-07T22:13:00.002+10:00

Yes, I'm pathetic, because I didn't end up doing anything, and you know, just chickened out.

But you know, I let the feeling grow stale, and it doesn't hurt anymore. So there's a plus.

Honestly, I think that's all that I'm meant to do; just pick people up. Hell, it's not for me to pick myself up, no. I have to help others, and in turn, that keeps me going too, keeps me in check.

So. Bring out your dead.

Soul Eistedfodd

2010-08-29T03:02:00.000+10:00

It's no use just thinking/fantasising about it; I have to do it. And this time, I think I will, because there's nothing left to lose.

That Line

2010-08-08T02:01:00.002+10:00

One step in, is one step too deep.

I hate it when I feel like shit during the busy period and then I feel clear minded AFTER it's finished being busy... Anyway, I still feel pretty tired so I'm going to crash now. I guess paintball took more of a toll on me than I originally thought...

Closer to the Edge

2010-08-07T02:06:00.004+10:00

Keeping it a short blog; trying to keep it real.

I got told tonight that I need to get a girlfriend... By another girl. Now.. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm beginning to think that this may be starting to become a problem and that I DO need to find myself a girlfriend.

Now.. It's not like I haven't been trying to look for one, but it's hard when you actually like someone already; and I don't know about other guys, but if I like someone, it generally means that she's the only one I want to be my girlfriend, and no one else for just 'convenience'.

It's even harder when most of your closest friends don't approve of your attraction to this girl. Which is fucked, really.

Honestly, where the fuck else am I going to find another girl that can compare, and don't get me wrong; this isn't about the romantic side of things, this is about uniquety. Everyone is unique. I won't be able to find another girl with the same personality as this one girl whom I think would fit me perfectly, and I to her.

Okay, so maybe 'perfect' isn't the right word, but you get my point; I won't find anyone else. To me, she is the only one unique like that. Well, I won't find anyone else in the near future anyway, which would be besides the point of finding a shotgun girlfriend that I was told to get.

Surprise

2010-07-19T22:57:00.002+10:00

For reasons unknown/best known to myself, this past week, I've been falling into despair. Honestly, I don't know why, probably because of the other thing I'm about to say.

My mind knows it, my heart knows it; I can, at the present, and into the near future, function with a girlfriend. But somehow, I still yearn for female companionship. But that's all, I just want some friendly contact with a girl/woman.

I don't know.

I seriously don't know.

Fuck it all.

Cover

2010-07-14T23:07:00.002+10:00

I'm can't do this anymore.

I'm not doing this anymore.

I would just like myself to know that I'm not leaving this behind with a heavy-hearted feeling, or any form of sadness, but with indifference, without a care.

A Beat

2010-06-30T21:45:00.002+10:00

*sigh*

Seems like I'll have to cut my recuperation period short; going out to Karaoke next week with my cousins, meaning I'll have to sing... ah well..

Actually, about that...

During this period of silence, everytime I've thought about wanting to sing, I get a knot in my throat... I mean, is it really that important to me?

I suppose, in a sense it is. So I guess, then I should pull it together and work on it, take it past my natural environment.

Well... by next week, it will already be 3 weeks. It is kind of killing me... So the reversion back to before will be welcome.

Mumblings

2010-06-27T00:16:00.002+10:00

I don't know. I honestly don't.

About anything, that is.

I haven't much to offer, not that I ever did.

Bit of a pointless blog, really.

And I find that I post lyrics (on whichever site of mine is most convenient, Tumblr being the latest one) whenver I'm feeling either extremity of happiness or sadness. In the context of being smitten with a certain person.

And then other times I'm just like 'bleh'.

I tend to find that these days, I do give a fuck. About anything, and generally everything. I used to be able to not give a fuck. I wish I could go back to that, I emoted more back then, and mostly on the positive side, being happy.

Shit, need to get out... Expand my horizons.

There may be a time when I stop feeling, and when that time comes, I hope everyone, and especially you, knows that I have never stopped loving them, or stopped caring for them through all of the shit that we've been through together.

Don't underestimate the mind's ability to build defences. I'm almost fully frozen already.

Clamour

2010-06-17T22:22:00.002+10:00

Yeah, not singing is actually a lot harder than it seems. It's only been three days, and it's just really, really hard.

I've managed to catch myself only just start to sing and stop once so far, don't know how long I can hold it.

And on top of that, everytime I'm about to speak, it seems like I shouldn't anyway. It feels as if everytime I use my voice I shouldn't be.

It's hard, but I will endure it.

I'm going to focus more of my attention back to music now; practice piano and guitar more.

Apart from that, I wait, once again.

Sealed.

2010-06-14T19:41:00.000+10:00

I've decided to stop singing for a month. Except for birthday songs. But that's it. Need to rest it, let it develop, yada yada yada, etc etc.

Amnesia

2010-06-08T00:15:00.002+10:00

I forgotten how to be happy. How does it feel like, to light up when you see someone? To feel joy and nothing else at the thought of someone?

I've forgotten how to show it anymore. I can feign surprise, but that's the extent of it.

Background

2010-06-05T00:53:00.001+10:00

Sleep is my only release. If my worries creep into my sleeping time, I have no idea what else to do. I'd be fucked.

Such a shitty last couple of days. May or may not blog about it tomorrow. For now, I attempt to alleviate myself from this harsh reality by sleeping.

Where's the Fun in being Sane?

2010-05-23T00:35:00.002+10:00

I'm pissed, I'm lonely, I'm cold, I'm sad.

Lovely combination, but luckily, I'm not stupid enough to mix alcohol and driving into that equation.

All for what?

No fucking reason; not one that's even remotely a plausible one.

Fucking trivial matters.

I don't care anymore, I'm going to concentrate on THAT, and see where that'll lead me.

If it succeeds, then all the better for me, but I probably still won't be easier to talk with.

Awkwardness, or no topic to discuss, would be the main problems with trying to start a conversation with me.

Stoicism for the mother-fucking win.

Instead of sexy (not like I had any in the first place), I'm bringing stoic back.

I See Your True Colours Shining Through

2010-04-29T22:03:00.002+10:00

Wow.

I was going to say that it's been a while I've blogged, huh?

Well, it's actually been exactly a month.

Nothing interesting happening. Just the normal work stresses of uni.

I just really wanted to blog these last two days, you know, to inform you, my dear readers, that both nights have been very bright. The full moon has been dazzling.

I find that the moon is relaxing. Its vibrance against the dark night sky just makes me think.

Okay, it's not relaxing, but it's like the light at the end of the tunnel.

Whatever...

I like the moon.

No, I'm not a werewolf. I take it werewolves hate the moon because the transformation is actually painful, and they have the ability to hurt the ones close to them without control.

That's the end of my meaningless rant.

Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes

2010-03-29T21:11:00.003+11:00

-- "Collide", Howie Day

Why am I blogging?

Because last night, I struck myself with the sudden need to blog, but couldn't do so, because my phone was not functioning properly. Safari broke =( so I couldn't blog off my phone.

Nothing profound in this blog. I've found that Philosophy is taking up most of my profound thought time, therefore, I have no need to think deeply about any certain topic.

I tend to think too much, but that's a totally different matter altogether. Back to the problem at hand.

I'm regressing. Slowly. Not surely though. I'm coming through with my own solution. It's just taking a bit of time. A bit of a long time. The better half of the fucking semester, I have to say.

So maybe this remission will take me all the way back to the start. Maybe it won't.

I hope for the former.

The only way I've stayed sane enough these past few days is by looking at that photo I have as my phone wallpaper. Knew it was my good luck charm. =)

"I just can't stop loving you." -- Michael Jackson.

But I want to.
Dear whomsoever this is addressed to, I don't know if you still read anymore. I don't want an answer either, please. You'll just give me hope. I don't want that. I don't want to be hung onto every word of yours anymore.
Why does it happen like this every single time? We talk, we chat, we have heart to hearts. And then not long after, I start falling for you again. I can't stand it everytime, because I know there's no chance at all that you'd like me in that way. So I stop talking to you.
And then I get down about myself. Get all depressed, close myself off to the world. Cry at night sometimes.
And it's like you understand this or something, and you don't even take the initiative to try to talk to me, and just leave me alone to mill over every failed chance. That actually hurts the most. The fact that you don't bother talking to me, like we'd have no connection at all unless I look for you.
And maybe a month later, I tell myself that I'm over you. And I believe myself intensely. So I test the waters, talk to you a bit again. It's fine. Until you reach out for me because you want someone to talk to. And boom, the cycle repeats again.
I can stand it for the first two months, but after that, I just can't stop myself from liking you.
It's been two years since this has started. I can't keep doing this to myself, and you need to let me know so too.
"If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go." -- Unknown

God. I hate myself so much right now. Please, I don't want any comments. Just let me deal with this myself.

Turn Off Those Lights

2010-03-27T20:21:00.002+11:00

Uhh, 8 minutes until Earth Hour. I'll just be turning off the lights, but not my computer.. unless I have something else to do.

But I highly doubt that.

Such a global event. The sheer scale of it overwhelms me with excitement... Kind of.

What's troublin' me...

Not much really =/

Just the norm, girls and school.

HAH.

I laugh at myself, because they're such petty worries.

Fairy Lights

2010-03-22T23:05:00.004+11:00

Gahh, it's 11pm, and already, the lack of sleep from last night is taking a toll on me.

The point of this blog is really nothing, other than I haven't blogged in a while..

Hmm, Uni is pretty cool still, although I think I'm gradually beginning to dislike it...

I have no idea why.

Just a side note, I hate Physics Labs. Seriously can not wait until next sememster, when they'll be replaced by Computer Labs ^__^

Psychology is still interesting, and I'm actually learning something!

Same with most of my other subjects, but maths is still a bitch to understand. Don't get me wrong, I can understand it, but only after hours of explanation...

Hmm, philosophy is slow for me to understand as well, but I'm getting there... and I just realised, that both Psychology and Philosophy are pretty anti-religion courses xD

Not something I should laugh, or smile about, but just a small fact.

So yeah, nothing profound in this blog. Just a small recollection of thoughts about week 2 and 3 of Uni.

Heavens strike me down should that happen to me again.

What Does It Matter

2010-03-05T21:19:00.002+11:00

okay. I don't care how I'm seen anymore. I'm going to start running game.

Hate the game, not the player.

Seems Like...

2010-03-02T23:55:00.003+11:00

Well, I think it's due time for me to write another post. It's been a while, hasn't it? Err.. about 3 weeks.

So, after that last post, I flew over to Hong Kong, where I had a ton of fun, but seriously, I couldn't wait to get home. The excitement of Uni starting was just making everything in Hong Kong a bit tedious. Yeah, it was just a daily routine of going out. I got sick of walking... lol.

But that's how Hong Kong is. It's the lifestyle there. Hell, they don't really even check how old you are. I managed to get drinks at 3 different places. =D

Anyway, I went back to HK to buy a new laptop, which was my top priority. I managed to get a whole heap of new clothes as well, and somehow managed to shop for, and buy my laptop on the last day I was there.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Uni's been on for two days now, and well, the worst of it is over, I believe. Except for tomorrow, when I have SUMS [Sydney University Musical Society] i.e. the USyd Choir rehearsals. There's a free BBQ beforehand, and I'm sure I'll meet new people, seeing as apparently no one else whom I know has joined up... That ends at 9:30pm, so I'll get home around 11pm, and have to get up at 5...

Or, I could just skip this Thursday altogether... 4 lectures and a lab that starts next week... But I'm a good Uni student (/sarcasm) and I want to attend those lectures...

PHIL1011 today was interesting. I believe it is the one that has gotten my attention better than the rest of my courses... And it's also got me back to thinking on matters other than my own petty life.

On that note... is there anyone who actually still reads my meaningless rants, or has it just reduced to nothing but cliche and angst that it has no merit and therefore does not deserve to be read? Please comment if you do still read. =)

Anyway, back to Uni.

Changing from CHNS1201 to PHIL1011 was probably my best Uni decision so far, because it got rid of one of my clashes, and I'm actually interested in what they have to offer in the PHIL course.

Hmm... MATH1902 is alright, and I'm still actually able to understand what they're going on about... if I don't fall asleep... XD

And PSYC1001 was just full of crap on Monday. That lecturer... Well, needless to say, I went and skipped that one, because I'd heard all about it from Ant and Mini. That's pretty bad... the first day of Uni wasn't even over yet, and I'd fallen asleep in the last 10min of PHYS1002 and skipped the next lecture which was PSYC1001.

Oh, you'll never get a record like that anywhere else... But to justify my decision, those introductory lectures should just be burnt.

Seriously, I actually learned something today in MATH1902... which was actually better than in the introductory lecture...

Hmm, well, tomorrow's going to be pretty busy in the afternoon, I've got no classes until 2 o'clock, and so I'll probably take my time leaving the house...

Hmm, I've made a list of the people from Girra who attend USyd, and it's about 30 people, maybe a few more whom I don't even know about... and I've just been interacting with them most of the time. I haven't even made any Uni friends yet... ain't no other way XD

So anyway, Uni is quite cool at the moment, so we'll just leave it at that.

More to come later...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't believe I was unable to match my goal of finishing 60 poems in 60 days, but it's not really surprising, understanding my own personality... Shit lazy. Can't write creatively for shit. It all counts. But I believe I can at least churn out 60 poems, and I will work towards that. I already have a few more poems written down in my small notebook, just never got the time to type them out... or more like too lazy to. Anyway, just be expecting more poems soon =D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. Comment please!

Oh, What the Hell

2010-02-11T00:16:00.002+11:00

Mmmm... flying tomorrow, so I just thought I'd fit in a midnight blog before I do.

Going back to Hong Kong to see family =D

I would've said motherland, but that's really Australia for me...

Anyway, I've been thinking heaps, about lots of things, and I don't know if I should get it all out in the morning/afternoon when I wake up... =\

Dunno, probably just leaving things unsaid would make life a lot easier for me...

Hopefully, I'll be able to be distracted whilst I'm in Hong Kong, but I just know that I'll think of things back here at least once before I go to bed... lol...

And I had better get my student ID card from USyd by the time I get back... >=|

Speaking of which, I have no idea when O-Week is...

And I still need information on the different clubs and societies I can join...

Hmmm, getting back from Hong Kong on the... 20th of Feb

So yeah, just spending 7 days in Hong Kong...

Attending a wedding on the 28th =D

That'll be good. Could probably talk to a few girls there, get a few numbers XD

Although... I highly doubt there'll be any girls there who are my age... I don't know why, but it's just a feeling.

Watch as I wither away in the corner for the whole wedding and reception...

Anyway, if you're reading this, and you want me to help you buy something whilst I'm in Hong Kong, I'm sure you'd know my email anyway, just send me an email of what you want, I'll try my best to get it for you...

But right now, I'm on a tight budget =X Getting a laptop and already helping getting someone else get a mobile...

And in case I don't have internet in Hong Kong [wtf, I keep typing "know" instead of "kong"] but I won't have access to on the day even if I did;

Happy Valentines' Day, people

and Happy Lunar New Year.

Have fun, and realise it's not all that bad being alone on the day. I've lived through 17 years of it already =D

Thunderstorm

2010-02-05T15:00:00.001+11:00

LOL, Bas.

But that doesn't mean I'll stop blogging altogether, you know that, right?

And as for the title, we just got smashed with a 10 minute heavy thunderstorm. Came out of nowhere =O

Anyway, will update soon.

This time

2010-01-31T02:40:00.003+11:00

Dear secret crush,

I write this to let you know that this will be the last dedication to you on my blog.

Too long have I crushed on you, but with no result.

It's been a while that I've liked you now, and it's about time for me to let go of this unrequited love.

I'll admit, I'm writing this for myself as much as it is for you to read. Consider this a summary of some sort.

I've always watched out for when you need my help, and most of the time, I've been there for you as much as possible. A few times, you even came to me for help. I think it was somewhere along those lines that I started to have feelings for you. I don't know why; but I think it's because I got to see the vulnerable side of you, which hardly anyone ever let's anyone else see.

I'm sure I've dropped subtle hints here and there before, but never once did I get a response.

That's what cut me the most, the fact that I recieved no clues as to whether you would reject or reciprocate the feelings I had for you.

But in the end, I suppose it's my fault for not having the courage to step up to the plate and just admit those feelings in front of your face.

Anyway, I can't take having to feel unloved by you anymore.

Thank god uni is starting soon. I wish you the best in uni and a successful life in the years to come.

With love,

Cheng.

P.S. I just want you to know that I'll be thinking of you when I see the full moon over the next two nights. I think that'll be the last time.

It's a Beat Down

2010-01-26T02:05:00.002+11:00

okay... I've pretty much gotten over the shock of the car accident now...

Sucks that I don't have a car to drive for the next week =/

Although, I kind of had a bad feeling on Sunday night anyway...

Turns out that bad feeling was right... I managed to crash the car on my way home...

Sigh...

Just had to add insult to injury...

Tough week, topped with a car crash.

I think I'll be scarred by it for life, but then again, what's a psychologist student without a bit of crazy?

Anyway.

To Whom It May Concern

2010-01-24T00:39:00.002+11:00

I'm getting tired.

I give up.

Here, I'm actually thinking "I fucking give up." but it's too late in the night, and I've already had this brain process before, so I can't be bothered backing it to such a strong extent.

On her, that is.

Can not be bothered. Where's the happiness in trying when it's all being sucked into the black hole that currently resides in my heart?

Uni. Please come quicker.

Gotta Stop

2010-01-21T10:14:00.001+11:00

Dying... [echo]

-----------------------------------
edit (10 minutes later)

yep. Things really aren't going my way.

Oh well. Can't complain anymore, have to get ready for work.

Quieten Down

2010-01-21T01:22:00.003+11:00

Mmhh... my mood is crashing, cos my body is too...

So tired, and another day of work tomorrow...

Sigh...

But recently... things really haven't gone my way. Talk about shit luck.

Or maybe I'm just too...

I don't know.

Anyway, bit of good news is that I got an offer at USyd for double degree BScience/BArts.

Pretty cool.

Means I might be able to see her some days...

Depends on my timetable.

Utter fail on my part of keeping myself out of trouble. Yes, I deem myself in trouble, on the fault of myself.

Mentally, Emotionally, Physically. Everything's dragging me down.

Not Psyched Up About This

2010-01-16T23:48:00.001+11:00

yeah, okay.. I'm really tired. Just from having to work, and no social interaction.

Yeah, I meant physically tired, too.

Suppose tomorrow will help. Hopefully.

Quickly, I'm learning to love again.

Scrubs... FTMFW

2010-01-14T23:21:00.002+11:00

So, these last couple of days I've been catching up on a LOT of Scrubs.

And I've eaten quite a bit too, moreso than I have this past month...

Anyway.

Dad's flying on Sunday, so that leaves me with a car to drive around for... 12 days, since he's coming back on the 29th.

Except for the fact, that I have to work mostly everyday. Other than Tuesdays (mum's going in)... And Sunday arvos, which is when it's closed.

So, going out or hanging out with friends will have to fall on those two occasions.

Which sucks, because Peter's 19th dinner is on THIS Sunday night. Meaning I can't go. Yes, I was actually looking forward to hanging out with Peter on his birthday.

Other than those above-mentioned pettinesses, everything else in my life is... in check.

I mean, I've been better. I can see myself in a better situation. But I'm quite content as it is at the moment. I think mostly my poems will reflect how I feel on those days, unless I bunch a heap together to write in one day.

It's Hot.... Gotta love Summer...

2010-01-12T14:51:00.001+11:00

Really, really nothing to say. Nothing new and exciting.

Sure, there's the norm: work, eat, sleep, stare at the computer all day etc etc.

But you all already know that.

Well, I'll be getting a new phone soon. But then again, another piece of technology that's bound to be broken in my hands...

So. Anyone up for brightening my contemporary dismal life?

Still

2010-01-10T13:47:00.002+11:00

It's hard to breathe when we're apart,
You're like sunshine in my heart,
I keep you here inside.

Shit

2010-01-09T00:33:00.000+11:00

I just realised I'm five days behind on my poems... technically three, because I have two already written up and waiting to be typed, but still... I'm going to fall behind pretty badly...

NEED TO WRITE!

Stop it, brain.

2010-01-09T00:23:00.002+11:00

Okay, I've not been blogging recently because I've had to spend most of my brain juices on writing poems... I'm still behind, but I'll catch up soon..

There's really not much for me to blog about... Nothing interesting in my life... Just mainly at home, and at work... sigh...

Need to get out...

Hmm, I want to see Sherlock Holmes... But don't know when...

and Wicked too!

Both should be pretty good...

Hopefully I can see Wicked before my dad goes back to Hong Kong, so that I actually have time to go, seeing as I'll have to work when my dad's gone, and I'll be in Hong Kong afterwards too... unless I can get tickets for when I come back...

But I have to go to a wedding sometime after I come back... not quite sure of the date, suppose that's not good to forget something like that...

Anyway... Can someone ring me sometime for us to hang out?? I'm bored shitless.......

I Don't Care.

2010-01-06T14:42:00.001+11:00

I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I can't care.
I can't care.
I can't care.
I shouldn't care.
I shouldn't care.
I shouldn't care.
Stop caring.
Stop caring.
Stop caring.
Stop thinking.
Stop thinking.
Stop thinking.

Meh...

2010-01-01T00:51:00.003+11:00

2010 - Poem #1 [A Collective]

---------------------------------------------------------------

This is a record breaker. It's the most boring New Year's celebration I've ever had. That I remember.

It's bad enough that I'm spending the first hour of it in front of the computer. Fuckin' Ace.

Where has all the joy in my life disappeared to? When I actually didn't care about not having a girlfriend? When I wasn't so worried about everything else and every other little thing? When I enjoyed working...

Yay to 2010.

I'm seriously just waiting for Uni to start now. A fresh breeze in my life, that will be.

Replay

2009-12-31T11:38:00.001+11:00

oh God. stupid song stuck in my head.

Don't get me wrong, it's a great song, but it's been on "replay" in my head for the whole of yesterday and since I woke up (half an hour ago)

it's Replay by IYAZ.

Oh the irony.

Shawty's like a melody,
In my head that I can't get wrong,
Got me singing like,
Na Na Na everyday,
Like my iPod stuck on replay.

Sleep it Off

2009-12-30T23:50:00.002+11:00

Most of the time, just sleeping doesn't make your troubles go away. It's just delaying it.

But currently, I have no troubles, just a troubled heart and mind. I think too much.

And yet, sleep isn't helping me. It's not making these feelings of sadness go away.

Well, for the most part, it does, but once I hit night time... it just... comes flooding back.

For once, I think, that it's safe enough for me to be selfish and say that it's not fair.

You'll never hear me say it seriously ever again. I always joke about with the word "unfair", hell, I don't even remember the last time I said it. That's how much I don't think of things that way.

God, I sound arrogant.

But really. It's just plain unfair on me. I think so, anyway.

Still, I keep believing for when she will come along into my life.

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart

2009-12-30T15:24:00.002+11:00

well, Liam's going for 60 songs in 60 days.

I'm not that good with my music, so my aim is 60 poems in 60 days.

I think I'll make a page for it... oh god. Another page... Another link on the Index...

anyway, going to get ready to go to work now.

Let it Fly

2009-12-30T01:08:00.000+11:00

Let it mellow.
Let it out.

You'll feel better.

There's nothing to feel better about.

You're lonely.

Smile it Away

2009-12-30T00:36:00.001+11:00

Don't judge me,
Don't look past my visage.
Please, just let me be,
Just remember darkness as my image.

Something About Me

2009-12-29T00:34:00.002+11:00

I've often been asked to describe my perfect girl, and every time I give the same answer: I don't know.

I don't know, because I think that it doesn't matter to me at the moment. When she comes along, then I'll know who she is. If I describe the perfect girl of my tastes, then there's a small chance of her actually appearing in my life. If she does appear in my life, more than likely, nothing would spark between the two of us, so why should I describe someone whom I know there's a chance I can't have, when I can just wait it out for the one who IS perfect? And if I do describe my perfect girl, would that not seem a bit shallow?

Even if I meet someone in the future who fits all the criteria that I list, maybe she's not the one for me. Bit cynical, but you know. Shit happens, and they affect you.

But without further ado, maybe on the screen I can describe who my ideal woman is.

Let's start with looks, the shallow end.

Hair:
I'm a fan of longer hair, preferably shoulder length and down, but I'm not too fussy if she has short hair either. Different hair lengths look good on different people, and sometimes I get used to it, and it actually starts to look good. But again, I don't mind very much, because hair grows back.
She would have either brown or black hair. They're the first choices, but I also like pure blonde hair or blonde turning brunette.
- I don't mind about the hair colour, because again, different colours look good on different people.
Summarising the hair:
It doesn't really matter. Different hair styles look good on different people. However, if I saw a girl with blonde hair or brown hair, I'd probably choose brown.

Eyes:
Meh. Is all I can say. I don't really pay much attention to their eyes. I should though, because if you make more eye contact, then it's a deeper relationship (apparently, because the eyes are the window to the soul). But then I'd probably stare into her eyes, and just been drawn in, and not actually notice her eye colour.

Lips:
I suppose I like thin lips more, but if they're a bit thicker then it's alright. Just not any of the ones that are humungo jumbo...

Figure:
Okay. This is a slightly trickier one. We as men are programmed naturally to desire hourglass figures, because it's something to do with the reproduction process whereby subconsciously we think they're a good candidate for mating because they "have the body" to carry a baby. But I don't know the full story. So that's up there on the list as well. But I don't know...
One thing I don't like AT ALL... are stick figures. Women who are overly skinny... just turn me off. I also tend to veer towards liking women who have a fuller bust. God, such a chauvinist. But meh.

Height:
Better for me if she's either my height, or shorter. I think I'd like the top of her head to reach anywhere between my chest and the top of my head. Any shorter or taller than that... I'm not too sure about... but again, if the perfect one comes along, and it's either of those two, then I'm sure I'll get over it.

I think that about sums her up, looks wise. Oh, and hopefully no facial piercings... Just the ears.. I can deal with, but no where else on the face. I can't really go into the small details about the rest of her body, because I'm sure they're the little things that even if I describe the complete opposite of being the ideal thing, that I'd fall in love with.

PERSONALITY! :
This, I have no fucking clue. But hopefully an IQ to match my own, don't want a girlfriend who's way too stupid (like.. blonde stupid) or way too smart... although the latter I'm flexible on.

She's a responsible drinker. Doesn't smoke. No drugs, for sure.

A bit outgoing, like.. willing to go out to dinner and stuff, doesn't want to just stay indoors all the time.

Encourages me to do things that I find hard to do, but want to do. Wouldn't force me to do something that I don't want to, or is smart enough to trick me into doing it, because she knows I'll be happier after doing it.

Willing to hug/cuddle. Can't believe I thought of that only after all of these other ones.

Sexual Fantasies: not going there. don't even know why I mentioned it. shhh. pretend you didn't read this.

---------------------------------------

That is about all that I can think of. As you can see, it IS a bit ambiguous, but if you do know someone like that, please feel free to introduce me =D

Oh, and I've mentioned this before, but I don't believe in love at first sight, only attraction at first sight. Love... yes it can be instant, but it's something that's fostered after getting to know someone... you could probably be in love with someone after two seconds of knowing them, but not by just looking at them.

Oh, and guys, you're not usually the ones to make the first moves. The girls are actually sending you signals for you to approach them, we're just too stupid to understand what they are, so it takes a good ten minutes for us to muster up the courage to walk over and talk to them. Ladies, it's quicker if you just walked over and said jokingly "I noticed you staring at me".

I Don't Mind. At All.

2009-12-28T12:04:00.002+11:00

It's not joy that you find day to day, if you're just happy. Are you wealthy? But does that mean you're rich with love? Not necessarily. Money can't buy love, I keep telling that to myself and others. But in a world of materialistic opinions, who actually 100% cares anymore? It's a tough thought, a painful one, but someone has to. Whether it's time to turn over a new leaf, or time to step on the old withering one; someone's always watching you, all the while wishing for no hurt in your life.

Queue to the Mental Institute

2009-12-27T02:44:00.001+11:00

and I'm in it.

Gotta stop thinking about it. Nothing good ever comes of overthinking an issue, and this is really, really starting to make me insane.

Wouldn't be the first time, though.

Need a Drama get-together, I think. They're like an extended family, cos of all the things that we've done together, you know?

We've seen each other with our raw emotions, and that's what really brings people together into a tight circle.

And on top of that, I think it's cos we're all really good liars, so you know, it's a challenge when we play Mafia XD , makes it fun.

For a while there, I was lying to myself, to say that I'm happy these days. I'm joyous, but not joyful.

Two different things.

Major in Psychology, here I come. You've got to accept me, on the account that I'm half gone already.

Random thought here, random thought there. All over the place.

Drunken Phone Calls Never Work Out

2009-12-26T00:23:00.002+11:00

so... just friends... that should work out.

sigh. There goes another.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note, I'm not trying to sound arrogant or anything, but I've realised something about myself.

I know all these things about attracting the opposite sex. Hell, I've even been taught how to be a player, but you know, I've not once done any of those things. I can read emotions okay, I guess, not a pro, but I get the gist of their feelings.

And you know why I've never done anything like that? It's because I'm ugly, for the most part. That contributes to the fact that it probably wouldn't work. But also because I've been conditioned to expect true love. Doesn't matter how cynical I've become of movies, because I'm a drama student, I still think that true love exists, because I read so many books that portray it, and I watch so many movies that also portray it.

It's like I'm not taking advantage of whatever it is that I could do. I'm just waiting.

God, waiting sucks. But still, I believe in the time that it will come true.

Someone want to give me a reality check, please?

Down

2009-12-25T12:52:00.002+11:00

Hmmm...

Merry Christmas, again.

oh man... need something to make me happy =( or, more joyful that what I'm feeling, at least

Festive. Need something to make me feel festive.

I Find Meaning

2009-12-25T00:41:00.003+11:00

I don't know.

Christmas... New Year's... I just wish I had that special someone to spend it with.

That's all I wish for this year.

But it's a bit late, you know? Seeing as it's already Christmas...

Sigh.

I could try for New Year's, but I can't go out =( Mum's overseas, bro probably has something to do already, and that leaves dad alone. Can't have that happening. So I might as well stay home NYE.

Sleep soon, need to pick people up from airport tomorrow morn.

I actually have a blog I need to write up, but it's getting late. Gotta save that topic for later. Not really Christmas material.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

This pretty much sums up 2009 for me.

2009-12-24T15:13:00.001+11:00

Michael Buble:

"You Don't Know Me"

You give your hand to me
Then you say hello
I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me

No, you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I'm just a friend
That's all I've ever been
'Cause you don't know me

I never knew
The art of making love
Though my heart aches
With love for you
Afraid and shy
I've let my chance to go by
The chance that you might
Love me, too

You give your hand to me
And then you say good-bye
I watch you walk away
Beside the lucky guy
You'll never never know
The one who loves you so
Well, you don't know me

You give your hand to me, baby
Then you say good-bye
I watch you walk away
Beside the lucky guy
No, no, you'll never ever know
The one who loves you so
Well, you don't know me

It's Practically the New Year

2009-12-24T00:51:00.001+11:00

A new blog, to signal a new chapter in my life.

And with a new chapter, new developments take place.

She is... now the object of my affection... that sounds bad... but I don't know how else to put it...