Window Of Opportunity

Fuck.

Fuck me dead.

Fuck me sideways.

Fuck.

After all this time, I still don't have the balls to say how I feel.

I'm just a complete failure at doing so.

The Walls are Made of Cookie Dough

I have no idea why I keep up this veneer. She's completely out of my league; there's no way for me to be able to keep up with her needs, especially since I'm not exactly that type of person.

Sure I know quite a bit, but I'm pretty sure when the moment arises, I'll back the fuck out.

Not my cup of tea, is what I'd say.

If ever I do get the chance, I'd try my hardest, but I don't think my hardest would be enough to keep her coming back, not because it's scary to do so; I'm just a mellow kind of guy.

Madly Tired

What the fuck am I even doing.

I'll stop. That's a promise.

A promise to myself.

I can't keep doing this.

So tired.

Promise is a Promise

Is it logically sound to say that someone is dead to you, and yet at the same time, you feel anger because of them?

They're not at fault, no, that's not the reason you're angry, but they are the cause of your anger.

But isn't saying someone's dead to you meant to be that you don't acknowledge their existence anymore?

This all of course, is referring to my current thought stream, so replace all those "you"s with I/me.

I'm angry, because this time, there's really no one to be angry for me. And I want to be angry for myself for once.

The fact of the problem is that no one knows, because I haven't told anyone. And it's not like I'm blaming them anyway, am I?

Well, it doesn't matter. No one reads this.

I don't know. I just want to feel something, and anger seems the appropriate emotion to feel in my current predicament.

This girl, there's something about her that attracts me to her, and yet, I see no chance whatsoever. Not that I've never had a chance to start with, more like I blew a few of them, and now there's no break in the defence of fate to create a chance.

I don't know what I felt for this girl. There was a tugging at my heart, and I had no idea what emotion my body is trying to convey to me.

So now I just feel irritated. And to break off this mild attraction, I need to feel a stronger emotion, and rage is quite an appropriate emotion to feel.

So, you are dead to me.

Ambushed

I have this horrible feeling sneaking up on me from my gut and it's like it will eat me up very soon.

Is it jealousy?!

Fuck.

Bookmarked; I keep coming back

I start typing at 3:33AM.

Where do I start....? A whole jumble of thoughts that I just really want to get down on this blog.

Well, I figured I absolutely suck at consoling people.

And I'm not subtle. At all.

I think that's really it. I find it really hard at the moment to articulate my thoughts. I just felt that I needed to blog, for the sake of blogging.

Which is sad.

I've seriously already spent 2 minutes on just a few words. I suck.

I could try to iterate some things on my mind.

Right now, though, I just want to find someone whom I can confide in. Someone to dump all my crap onto. Maybe even someone to exchange sorrows with. But most of my friends need me to listen to them, and that's what I'm there for; to listen to their stories. So I'm hoping to find someone willing to listen to all the shit that's running through my head, or else some poor stranger in a bar will have to deal with my half drunk ramblings after which I will sit in the corner and cry.

Preferably someone whom I can speak to in person.

In desperate need of affection.

I stop typing at 3:42AM.

You shall not pass

... the threshold of friendship with any girl and be in a relationship.

That's the kind of vibe that I'm getting very heavily from my life right now.

I really hate it when I watch a movie, and be reminded how lonely I actually am, in the long run.

I do miss being head over heels for a girl, and that the thought of being with her will solve all problems, but I do know that's not going to happen, and so instead, I look for excuses to avoid my problems.

Chin up, son.

Pocketful

Hmm....

Over the past week, I've heard of three different relationships with problems. I have no idea what that bodes for me, but I guess I'll take whatever is thrown at me.

I don't understand how I come to become the person to hear all of this... is it because I listen?

In all honesty, I have no experience in this field; never been in that situation, never had a girlfriend, so it seems like the advice I give is a bit redundant. It's not like I'm the best person to be asking when it comes to such things, but somehow or other, I'm used to having to deal with it, and that just seems to attract people to pour their hearts out to me.

I don't know...

On another note, I feel completely lost in life. At the moment, I feel as if my life is not headed anywhere fast. I'm failing to find motivation to do any of my uni assignments, and in turn, I am failing more than half my subjects. I don't want to have to repeat, but at the same time, I honestly cannot bring myself to do those assignments. I usually get to the point where it is way overdue before I even think about not doing the assignment at all, but right now, from the get go, I can't be fucked doing those assignments. Perhaps I should see a psychologist about it, but you see, my theory of myself is that I will never be free of a psychologist if I go see one, so it's better that I don't and just take my insanity with good stride.

I do feel lost. Perhaps this is my cry for help, but what I really need is probably professional help, and I'd never agree to that; I'm too lazy and proud.

Quiet

So... I have no way of knowing if anyone still reads this.

It appears not. But it's alright, I guess.

Leave me a comment if you still manage to find this blog!

... [Not a single fuck was given]

What I don't understand is why there's always this constant "Ooh, who does s/he like? Will it happen? Won't it happen? What's going to actually happen?" and especially the one that my friends apply to me "Ooh Cheng, who do you like now?", because apparently, 100% of the time, I like someone, or am interested in someone.

Yeah, I'm interested, but not in making them my girlfriend. For fuck's sake, I may be attracted to someone, but aren't we all attracted to someone else? How else do we make friends? Just because it's a dinner that I would look forward to, it does not necessarily mean I am romantically invested in the person I am having dinner with.

If you can all make normal friends with people of the opposite sex, why the fuck aren't I allowed to do the same, and not draw attention to myself?

And honestly, my poems are not reflections of my current status of mind. Fucking read them as light entertainment, nothing more. I try to tell a story in poetry form, and quite often it sucks. Fucking deal with it. The topic is all that it is; just a topic, not a fucking manifestation of my desires.

I ain't even angry, just annoyed.

But of course, I lie. No one really takes me seriously any more, so it makes not a single difference.

Nor does anyone read this any more, so it makes no fucking difference.

Blindspot

One year ago, I would have been surprised if you were to be on my very short, almost non-existant list of people whom I don't want to meet or bump into. Yesterday, you shot to the top of that still very short, almost non-existant list.

Why?

Because even though you didn't recognise me (pretty sure you just glanced past me anyway, so really not your fault) I wasn't sad about this. In fact, I was quite glad.

I was glad, because I had no idea how to react if you had recognised me. I still have no idea how I would/should react if we cross paths soon.

How should I act? Is it appropriate to hug you? Perhaps I should go? What should I say? Blah. Blah. Blah.

Oh, I also didn't bother calling you out either, because of the aforementioned excuse.

So... yeah. I'm still the cold bastard I wish to be.

In fact, I even try to avoid seeing you at all costs.

Are you seriously the only bane in my life right now?

How have I been reduced to this?

I hope that time erases my memories of you, they're all that are holding me back.