Ignorance is Bliss

It's been a while since I've blogged here.

I'm sorry for neglecting you, Blogspot, but Tumblr was more than enough of a supplement for my daily needs and thoughts that weren't dark.

But yes, I return to you now, because this is hopefully less known, or less read. Well you know how it is, if it's on the internet, it's bound to be known by someone else. However, I probably have less readers here than on Tumblr, which is why I'm blogging this post here.

Just a jumble of thoughts, really. Good ones, bad ones, irrelevant ones. Mainly bad ones, on my part. Not really. I don't generally have bad thoughts, well, none that I'd admit and blog about openly.

For a while there, I was strong enough to not need to blog about things on my mind, but it's slowly starting to cave in, and hopefully in a ditch of effort to prevent that, I'm blogging about it. Of course, it doesn't actually help, but at least when I read back on this in the future, I'll remember how I developed, how I aged, how I matured.

So anyway.

I'm not very good with articulating all that's on my mind, but just bear with me. I'll try my hardest to explain it, I promise.

To be frank, it's probably just one thing, and it extends into all sorts of directions, but mainly just this one thing that's on my mind that's weighing me down.

Oh, and before I forget anymore, I'm actually doing this blog whilst at uni. Because well, today's just that kind of day where I feel like I need to do this before I get home, or else all my thoughts will just vanish.

Well here goes.

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I'm lost.

You don't generally hear me whining about relationships. Maybe you do, I don't know, I'm not able to see myself through others' eyes and ears lately... or ever.

Well, anyway. The point is that maybe you haven't heard me talk about this aspect of my life a lot, because I've always had a goal. The goal was pretty clear cut, but the biggest problem was that I've never had the courage to act on it, and if you're one of my closest friends, you know how much I was brought down during those few years.

Each of you had a different approach to trying to raise my spirits, but in reality, I was kind of happy anyway. That's how it is when you like someone, no? You're happy with them, you're happy thinking about them; they bring a smile to your face, regardless of what people tell you what they think of this person. Thank you people for trying to help me, I'm grateful.

This is... less of a "I need help" but more of a "I don't want to know, and I don't care, I'm happy this way". Hence the title.

So, for the past six months, I've had no doubt about the relationship aspect of my life. I wasn't interested in anyone and no one was interested in me, I'm pretty sure. Everything was smooth, I was focussing on my music, trying my hardest to not procrastinate, and just in general making new friends at uni.

Then comes along my imagination, which likes to ruin certain things in my life, or make me think things that are totally irrelevant to my happines. But I've managed to ignore him, so far. Of course he's constantly in my ear, and in my mind, but he provokes no feelings, most of the time.

So then last week I received a bit of news. I hear Simon's going out with someone! I won't name who it is, because really, you all know who it is. Anyway, I'm happy for him. I don't blame him for anything, no. That's not the reason I named him in this blog.

The reason I named him is because this act made me think. And when I think, it's mostly dangerous to my mental and emotional health. Of course, I'll put on a happy face, chin up, and tell everyone I'm fine. That's who I am; there's no changing that. I'm a man, I'm allowed to follow the stereotype of being stoic. And it's not like I have a reason to break down either, because I'm not the type to open up easily, so no one would really be able to understand why I'd be balled up on the floor, a nervous wreck.

My thoughts? Well, out of the group of twelve guys in my high school group, that makes four of us who've never had a girlfriend. This small little fact makes me a bit sad. There must be something we're doing wrong, right? Well, this doesn't/didn't really faze me. I'm only human after all.

No. What's really unbelievable to me is that generally when I ask people who havne't known me for long to think about it, they don't believe that I've never had a girlfriend. Now, that's just fucking great. How is it that these people can probably see these great things and great flaws in my personality to think that I've had a girlfriend, yet no girl can see these same things and like me for it?

So far, I've thought "Fuck them. I'm awesome in my own right, I can survive." And just generally every day, chin up, head up; walking tall and proud. "Strong and True" as my uncle says.

I'm beginning to think this post is going no where.

I swear I've been at this for almost an hour now. And I need to get to my tutorial soon, so I'll try to sum this up.

I lie to myself. I say I don't care, and I think I don't care, and really, I don't care. This makes me happy. I lie to myself to make sure I stay happy.

But really, I do care. It just makes no sense that I would not care. It just provokes no strong negative feelings.

And so I'm lost. I don't know what I want in the relationship part of my life anymore.

I don't know. Maybe it's because I've been sick for the last few days, and it's fucking around with my head, but yeah. I don't even know what I'm sick with... I think it's a virus... But seriously, I can just feel something trying to take over my body from the inside, so yeah, I'm sick.

I'll see if I want to edit or add anything else on this post later. Probably not, because I can't seem to think of anything else to put down, or how to express other stuff. So this is the end of the post, right before I head off to class.